The Redneck Housewives of Lancaster County

Since I had my latest round of back surgery, I’ve been watching more tv than I used to.  I am now addicted to a show called, “The Real Housewives of Orange County”.  I guess I like it because it would be the exact opposite of my life.

It got me to thinking though, I should be on a reality tv show called “The Redneck Housewives of Lancaster County”.  Here is my pitch to any network TV executives who read my blog…

The characters…

Me, the goat farmer.  They could follow me around as I pop pain pills and run the farm.  Half stoned all the time, I get the work done.  Cleaning, laundry, dishes, cooking, milking, playing mid-wife to goats at 4am, and bottle feeding babies.  I own 4 pairs of shoes total; muck boots covered in manure, cowboy boots when I want to dress up, sneakers, and Dollar Store flip-flops in the summer.  I don’t own a dress and all of my clothes are stained and in need of repair.  I mostly smell bad as I am usually covered in either birthing fluids & blood or manure & sour milk.  My two kids still at home fight constantly.  They could do a entire show on me standing in the barn screaming cuss words at my kids while milking goats as Mike and Kate roll around on the barn floor fist fighting.  They would have to get another teenage girl to translate for Katie though.  She speaks softly, fast, and mumbles too that most of the time no one has any freaking clue as to what she is saying.  They would also have to bleep out most of what Mike says since he has discovered cuss words when Mom’s not in ear shot.  Vince would be an interesting character as well.  They could do close up shots of him getting out of the car after a long business trip.  As he brings in his laptop, briefcase, and dirty laundry he gets the list of broken items that need fixed or opens up the $700 electric bill, begins to get angry, and flips out.  He hollers and then gets so mad he forgets to swallow.  Kind of looks like a rabid dog foaming at the mouth while spraying you with a gallon of saliva with every word that comes flying out of his mouth.  We spend Friday nights disbudding and tattooing baby goats.  Isn’t that what everyone else does on a Friday night?  Or perhaps an episode of me, my kids, and my three older nephews running around trying to catch the pigs that got out of their pen.  Covered in pig manure, sweat, and smelling bad, we get them all back in the pen and then thinking those pigs are going to taste real good sooner than later if they do this again…”Load em up boys, it’s butchering time and I’m hungry for fresh bacon”!

My sister Lori…She could play the part of the greasy mechanic’s wife.  My brother in-law, God Bless him, works harder than most people.  He puts in 20 hour days on a regular basis to feed the huge family living in his house.  They have 5 kids, my other sister Kim and her baby, her other two kids on the weekends, and their oldest daughter, Amanda, her husband, baby (with one on the way) who live in the apartment in the basement.  They could do a show on Lori cleaning the house and bagging trash.  Then sneaking the trash to the dumpster without her husband knowing because he is a hoarder.  Yes, she really sneaks trash to the dumpster.  And yes, if John notices it, he brings it back in.  She could give lessons on stretching the almighty dollar to feed that huge family.  She has given up on keeping a spotless house and finding a place where she can go and hide to be alone for 5 minutes.  To be honest, I’m in awe of her.  If I was in her shoes, I would be drunk all the time.

Lets see, who else could be in the show.  I know, my Mom.  She is thin, small, and most people aren’t intimidated by her size.  They could do an episode of her in my kitchen telling my other sister Ann and I how to cook the holiday dinner even though we’ve cooked the holiday dinner for the last 10 years.  She hangs over your shoulder, barking orders, and telling us what we have to do next.  Then one of the Grandkids come into the kitchen asking a dumb question and that sets he off.  Next thing you know, she chews someone out up one side and down the other while Ann and I hide the frying pans so she doesn’t whack them up side the head with it.  Wait a minute…I had a flash from my childhood…ok, it’s gone now.  (To be fair and honest here…My Mom is an excellent cook, is usually right, but does have a mean left hook with a frying pan 🙂  I do love her and she would do anything for me.  I’m not trading her in for a new Mom and you can’t have her either!)

My sister Ann…She could be the “shock” effect here.  She is a single mother of three children.  She willingly goes to Hollister to buy them clothes (I shop at Wal-mart or the Goodwill Store).  She would be the only one who works outside of the home as an Executive Secretary for the PA State Treasurer.  She has a closet full of dresses and high heal shoes but there is still the Redneck girl in her.  You know what they say…you can take the girl out of the country but you can’t take the redneck out of the girl.  Piss her off and you’ll quickly realize the apple doesn’t fall from the tree.

My sister Michelle…Cleaning is a dirty word to her.  I remember all but having to beat her with a tire iron when we were little to do her fair share of chores.  She is an excellent Mom and is totally in love with her husband who loves to collect Star Wars figures and the alike.  The love going to Star Wars conventions and have an entire room dedicated to all the “collectibles” of Star Wars figures and such.  From the first day I met her husband, Terry, I said he was a male version of Michelle.  They were made for each other.  They could do an episode of Terry, her, and the baby getting ready for another convention.  To be honest…this is a love story here and I don’t know anyone else who is happier with their life.  So I guess the clean and neatly kept house doesn’t really matter.  She probably is smarter than the rest of us.

They could do an episode of a holiday dinner or perhaps a family wedding.  Someone is bound to get too drunk and bring up politics and religion.  We are passionate Republicans while my Dad is a passionate Democrat.  My Step-Mother has banned politic talk as it quickly leads to screaming, hollering, doors slamming, and half the family not speaking to the other half for the next 6 months or something.  Our religion preferences range from Born Again and Mennonite to Roman Catholic and non-practicing Christians.  We live in trailers to old homes built in the 1700’s.  We drive beat up pick-up trucks and mini-vans.  Our children learn how to run a tractor and skid loader before they learn how to drive vehicles.  We can feed a family until they are stuffed spending only $10 at the McDonald’s drive thru by ordering off of the dollar menu.  We love 4-wheelers & snowmobiles.  We swim in the creek instead of swimming pools.  Farting and burping contests are common games played at family renions.  Some of us go to church faithfully and some don’t.  Most of us are “poor” fiancially and none of us are rich. 

Yep, I’m a Redneck and come from a family of Rednecks.  There are a lot of differences between us but the common thread is this…we all love God and we all love each other.  We are close and tight nit.  My family is here for me when I need them, no matter what.  To the gals from Real Housewives of Orange County we might be dirt poor but to us we are richer than most.  Why?  Because we have each other.  This is my crazy family and crazy life that I wouldn’t trade for a new one (ok, most of the time anyway).

What do you all think?  Sound like a good reality TV show or what?

About asciotti

Please keep in mind that I never grew up on a farm, lived in the city or its suburbs all my life. Many farmers out there will find this blog a hoot as I stumble through the every day life of running a farm (most of the time...all by myself).
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5 Responses to The Redneck Housewives of Lancaster County

  1. Matt Blank says:

    Hey I think it’s worth a shot! There are much worse tv shows out there, that’s for sure.

  2. Michelle says:

    I don’t think anyone could conceive of a BETTER show! Find a connection to Hollywood and send your proposal in! Seriously, if a local family of “little people” can get their own show, you’ll be living on easy street in no time — if you don’t kill the camera crew following you around all the time….

  3. Bambi says:

    Oh Amy … send me a pain pill, my sides hurt from laughing!!! I can totally relate, so I must be a redneck too.

  4. Kim Emerick says:

    Amy, did not know how to email you. I wanted to say I am so sorry about your uncle. My dad told me he fell in the shower last Sat night…same night Cami fell. Cami got off lucky w/just two staples, but my dad said your uncle really did a number on himself. I can’t imagine being impaled by a towel rack. Is he doing okay? I told Cami the bathroom is one of the most dangerous places in the house. Hope you guys are well. We always enjoy reading your blog!

    Hope to see you soon.

  5. Susie says:

    Hey there Amy long time since we talked last. I just said to myself i wonder how Amy is do’in? Well i read this and split a gut, we have so much in common. Our family sounds just like yours. It would be a great tv show. Glad your all do’in fine and the dairy is sounding great. Hopefully I can get out that way again and stop in.Just put the kettle on!Post pictures!!!!! How is your son doing with the Marines? Where is he stationed?

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