All my lonely dreams

Change is always tough even though you spend lots of time on your knees trying to get through it all.  Since my life has taken many drastic changes in the last year (with lots of ups and lots of downs), it got me to thinking about all my dreams.

When I was a little girl, I would day-dream of growing up and having a family.  A real close and happy family…the whole white picket fence thing, 3 well-behaved kids, and a husband who provided all the stability, finance, and love anyone could need.  That’s a lot for any man to live up to but for the most part Vince fulfills this dream for me.

I dreamed of having a job working with animals.  Well, no need to elaborate.  That dream came true as well.  Except for one thing though, in my dream it wasn’t so hard to turn a profit, no animals ever got sick and died, and I never had to face the fact of “selling” my beloved babies to strangers I have to trust to take care of them.

I remember spending hours of lonely time day dreaming of my future.  What would it be like?  Who would I marry?  How many kids would I have?  Would they be boys, girls, and what would I name them?  In these same lonely dreams, I would never grow old and full of wrinkles.  My husband and I would never argue.  I would always be thin and fit.  I would always be healthy and my body would feel as young as my brain did.

So as I now sit here with a few extra pounds around the middle, wrinkles, and a back which feels older than 39, it made me think of all those “lonely dreams” of my childhood.  I am just hoping finances allow me to keep my favorite ladies so the heartache is a little easier as I let go of my dream of farming.  As my three kids are growing up fast and off making their own dreams come true, I realize it’s time for me to move on as well.

Joe made his dream come true when he became a Marine.  Now, I can tell he is in love.  Vince and I both think “she is the one”.  Mike’s interests have turned to music which he seems to have a passion for.  He plays his guitar constantly, always learning something new.  Katie’s dreams are also turning away from Mom & Dad as well.

As the dreams of my youth have come to pass, I can’t help but be a little sad. I have no regrets.  I chased after them all and succeeded at most of them.  Now what?  What do I do from here?   I would love to go on a vacation.  I haven’t been on one since 2004.  The beach would be nice or maybe a cruise with Vince and the kids.  I would love to move down south where it is warm and the winters are short.  Grandchildren someday too, that I can spoil.  Mostly, I would love to wake up one day and just not be in pain.  That would be great.

My biggest dream right now, what do I pray for besides the normal prayers of health & happiness of my family?  I ask God to send me someone willing to buy my ladies and care for them the way I have.  It is tough achieving a goal and then having to let it all go.  Frankly, it just plain sucks. 

All my lonely dreams have come to pass.

About asciotti

Please keep in mind that I never grew up on a farm, lived in the city or its suburbs all my life. Many farmers out there will find this blog a hoot as I stumble through the every day life of running a farm (most of the time...all by myself).
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2 Responses to All my lonely dreams

  1. Michelle says:

    Oh, how I feel for you! I wish I could make it possible for you to KEEP your dream of a big dairy…and I wish I could evaporate your pain. My dad is in constant back pain, too. I had one spell of back problems; it lasted long enough to make me wonder how my dad does it day in and day out for years.

    In contrast to you, I don’t remember ever dreaming about what my life would be like. I guess for me it was “Whatever will be, will be.”

  2. Mom says:

    Once again, you have made me cry. It is so sad to
    read your thoughts – even though we talk almost
    every day. I know how heavy your heart is…you love your farm life, your family and your goats so much. God Bless – you are in my prayers everyday. Mom

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